Shifting

I was looking at old pictures of myself and I suddenly had the feeling that I was looking into the face of somebody else. It looked like me but somehow, wasn't me.

In those pictures, I looked like somebody who was craving for somebody to notice her. I wore clothes that called attention. I was looking into the camera with an expression that says "please tell me you like me" or "please tell me you think I'm beautiful". My make up, although skilfully applied, masked rather than enhanced. I was posing like a model, which in itself is OK, if you ARE a model - which I wasn't. In short, these pictures didn't depict who I really was or who I wanted to be. I recognized in my eyes a feeling of being lost, of being in doubt, that all familiar look of fear.

Looking at those old photographs, I marvel at the changes that happened to me since then, both within and without.

Since the beginning of this year, my life has been marked by changes of gargantuan proportions that I barely had time to recover from the last and catch my breath, I am already facing yet another transformation. Not only are the changes massive, but the juxtaposition of all these changes is even more staggering. It took my emotions into different extremes all within a space of days or weeks - despondency with the pronouncement of my separation to excitement with being presented a new job opportunity, grief with the death of my father to celebration with my daughter turning 8 weeks after, from being gripped by fear of the unknown to sensing the thrill of facing it.

So many changes in so little time. I feel like the universe is catching up on all the time that I have lost walking aimlessly through life, and now that I am in the midst of discovering myself, it cannot wait to unfold all the changes and graces that I have been withholding from myself all these years. For together with all the changes happening in my life right now, I also see my own transformation. It is so palpable that I cannot even pretend to ignore it. My paradigm has altered, my core has shifted.

It is strange this place where I’m standing right now. I am no longer where I started but I am still not fully where I want to be though I can feel it nearing. I am still in the process of shedding my old skin and at the same time, already growing a new one. Is this what rebirth feels like? Am I living my own renaissance? They say that being born is one of the most painful experience humans can have. The passage through the dark alley of the birth canal is so excruciating that we have chosen to forget about it and thus we don’t remember our own birth. I guess rebirth is pretty much the same but instead of choosing to forget the heartbreaking and anguishing pain, we do so in full consciousness and mindfulness. This is precisely what brings us to a higher level of existence and spirituality. This is what catapults us from mere existence to a life of purpose. And this lets us usher in our own evolution and enlightenment.

I turned and looked at myself in the mirror…and I smiled. This person looks much calmer, more peaceful than ever. She is beginning to find her footing and finding happiness within herself. I turn back and look at the person I was in the photographs. I still hold her very dear to me. She was, still is, an intrinsic part of me. She helps me to stay grounded. She helps me remember how it easy it is to slip, if we are not constantly mindful of our course. Rather than treating her as an enemy, I choose to accept her as an ally. She will help me steer my ship. She will point out the coarse parts of the seas, the pitfalls of my way. Together, we will find our destination.

I know I will meet more challenges along the way. I will still go in places that will bring me back to that dim corner of anxiety and fear I know full well. However, this time I am prepared to meet my fate. Nothing is my adversary. Everything is there to help me. I don’t cringe nor try to make sense of what is happening. Instead, I open my eyes and heart in curiosity and let the waves of my sea propel me to the crest of wonderment.