Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Leap of Faith

It’s been a while since I last wrote. I guess I came to a point where I had to rest. For every warrior, there always comes a time to put down his sword and regain his strength before forging on.

It has been a battle fought hard and won hard. I am happy with the work I have done. It was gruellingly difficult, but I am still left standing.

However, the fight doesn’t stop there. Life is a continuous process of re-creation and there will always be stones to turn, walls to climb and things to learn.

Now that I have reached that place where I feel much more peaceful, calmer and stronger about myself, it’s time to stand up again and proceed to the next encounter. And for me, this is to try out my new self in relation to other people.

We are all intertwined in this world. Without knowing it, we touch other people’s lives everyday, and their lives in turn touch ours. We are always in the process of interacting and there is no better gauge to measure how you have grown as a person than to see it through the relationships you develop with others and the new way you react to similar situations from your past.

A friend told me once “I am so proud of you – of the work you have done. You seem so serene.” And I remember telling her, “Yes, I feel calmer now. But wait until I get into another relationship, then we will see how far I really got.” Because it always seem easier to deal with things alone. You can control everything yourself. There is nobody else to answer to. But once you let another person enter your sphere – a totally different person than you, with his own mind, his own emotions, his own battles – then things become a bit more dodgy. You lose that sense of control, that sense of equilibrium, the sense of being in charge.

At this point, being alone seems to be the better option. And honestly, I have thought about that many times during the year. There came a point too many where I would say to myself “That’s it. I’m done. I don’t want to be with anybody anymore. It’s just so tiring.” But I know that I’m lying to myself – because I don’t want to be alone. I want to be in a relationship and experience the richness of it. I want to grow with somebody and share my life. I want to hold somebody’s hand when I am 80. So then I realize that for me, it’s not better to be alone. It’s easier, yes…but not necessarily better. I am fine and happy WITH myself, but I know that I will not be totally fine and happy BY myself. Other people might disagree with me, but this is MY truth….which might not be other people’s truth. Or maybe it’s my own personal genetic disorder.

So it came to happen that I met a man. A wonderful, charming, sweet man. And I felt giant butterflies again. And I started smiling stupidly again. And I started seeing all the colors of the rainbow again. In short, I fell back to being 17. Which was wonderful, of course. So wonderful that when you start descending from the clouds, panic sets in. Because, as with all relationships, time will come when reality will bite. Differences will come out. And then maybe, things won’t be as rosy as before. And at this junction, questions spring out and doubts start to grow. Should I stay? Should I go?

And this is the time to put the 17 year old aside, and let the 36 year old woman kick in. Yes, it’s time to ask questions, but it has to be the right questions. Questions centered on myself and not on the other person. I will not ask whether the other person will change because that’s not a question that I have the answer to. Rather, I ask myself whether I can accept. I will not ask whether the person loves me enough. Rather, I ask myself whether I love him enough. I will not ask him what he will do, but what I will do.

So I list down the reasons why I want to stay: because I believe in him as much as I believe in myself, because I see the goodness of his soul, because I can feel the gentleness of his spirit, because I love him…and most of the time, for that reason alone, it is enough.

…And why I want to go: because I’m scared to lose myself, because I don’t want to be hurt, because it’s sometimes hard to deal with the harsh realities of life, because it’s easier to run away than to stay.

And I see that my reasons for staying far more speak of my truths than my reasons for leaving. I want to leave based on fear. And when I see it like that, my choice becomes clear: I will not go with my fear. I have let it destroy my life for far too long. If I choose to go with my fear, I am not a better person as the one I was before. Fear constricts, while love expands. So I will go where my love lies, following where it leads me but keeping a constant watch that I don’t lose the person I am now. It is easier to run away, that is true. But God knows that I have never taken the easy road and miss out on life. And I am not going to start now. Life is love and love contains joy and sadness, tears and laughter, sun and rain, blue skies and grey clouds.

Wishful thinking? I don’t believe so. It’s a leap of faith - the same faith that have guided me through my dark nights and alleys and cradled me steadfast in the belief that all will be well. Faith in myself, faith in him, faith in our love, faith in the goodness of both our souls.

And, as they say, faith, the size of a small mustard seed, can move mountains.