Dancing With The Shadows

It strikes in an unforeseen fashion. The sadness. The melancholy. The loneliness. It catches you off guard.

I guess this is how babies feel when they learn how to walk. They start out wobbly and then they start to gain their bearings and find their balance. From inching a foot forward, they find out that they can do the mechanics faster. And then they get thoroughly excited that they rush forward and suddenly trip themselves on a dense mass of nothing. They fall and are left with a bewildered look as if to ask “I was doing so well….why am I down again?”

If I look back and see where I had started and see where I am standing now, I can’t help but feel a surge of pride. For me, I have done the impossible. Six months ago, I was just about ready to cave in to the darkness. I was ready to accept that I will forever be roaming aimlessly in a valley never touched by light. But little by little, inch by inch, I crawled forward, lifted myself up to my knees and finally stood on my own two, albeit wobbly feet and dragged myself out of the black hole that enveloped my existence.

Since I started letting go and gave up resisting, I felt my world open up to a myriad of possibilities. I finally feel the Higher Power at work and showering me with grace to hold myself upright amidst all the staggering blows. I finally feel hopeful and optimistic.

But sometimes, the shadows come. A song. An image. A thought. A circumstance. Anything can lead them in.

You get a dream job and there arises melancholy. You fall sick and there appears solitude. You get some really bad news and there surfaces loneliness. They come in because you don’t have somebody to share wonderful news with. There is nobody to bring you tea. There isn’t anybody’s shoulder to put your head onto and comfort you.

Yes, sadness still comes. However, I notice a different kind of sadness descend upon me this time. This sadness is wrapped in a certain kind of calm. It is swathed in a cloak of serenity. And realizing this, I now know how far I have come since I began my journey. I have finally learned how to accept my sadness. I have finally understood how to give up my struggle. I have gained knowledge of how to sit down and just let my emotions go through me without judgment, without fear.

Sitting through my sadness, I am no longer gripped by panic. I am no longer thrown into anguish. I no longer recoil in fear.

Sitting still, I am finally learning to dance with the shadows.