Where Do I Begin?

Among all of the feedback I received shortly after sending the link of my blog to family and close friends, only one made me stop short.

One of my best friends, Jake, who always have been one of the wisest too, asked me why I chose my blogsite to carry my real name. I was caught off guard. Why indeed? Why just put my name instead of including some catchy phrase like “recently divorced”, “journey to healing”, or “right smack dead into the center of emptiness”? It took me a few silent seconds before I can respond with an answer that, even to me, resounded with so much simplicity that it can never be anything else but the truth.

I named it with my name because this blog is about me. Through this blog, I will embark on a path to take back that which I have lost: myself.

All throughout our lives, we always seem to identify ourselves with whatever role we are playing at a given point in time. In my case, I was a daughter. A sister. A girlfriend. A wife. A mother. A friend. My identity always hung in relation to another being. Even in my professional life, my title was always juxtaposed to somebody, “Executive Secretary to….” Or “Assistant to…”

Some even have it bigger. They are identified not just with a person, but with a country – “Mr. X, Country Manager for Turkey”. Until even a country is no longer enough, so they have to attach it to a continent - “Director for Europe”. But then, as human nature is by itself, insatiable, we seek a larger piece. We move on to an entire region and call ourselves “Vice President for Asia Pacific” and finish off with something that has “Global” in it. I suppose that had He-Man hadn’t beaten us to it, we would have happily put “Master of the Universe” in bold letters in our stiff, overly priced, calling cards. In my life with James Bond, we used to go to events where big players like these people abound. When introductions were made and they spew out a massive collection of words to identify themselves, I can barely hold my tongue from saying “I’m Malou, a libra, ruled by Venus, the Goddess of Beauty and Love”.

Sometimes, even at simple occasions, say at a neighbor’s party, I find myself saying “Hi, I’m Malou, a friend of Annie who is a friend of Patricia who organised this party.” As if people will not deem it worthy to make my acquaintance if I don’t establish my relationship to somebody.

I have always identified myself through somebody else that when I found myself alone, I crashed. I didn’t know what I was or supposed to be anymore. Only one thing was sure, I had to begin finding myself fast before I totally lose it.

When you are faced with an enormous task and do not know where to begin, it is wisest to start with a simple, basic truth. In my case, it was my name. In that moment, it was the only solid truth I can hold on to. It was the only thing that stood alone, independent of anything else. And so I named my blog with this truth and began my journey.

I am done hiding. I am done depending on another. On this space that I have created for me, I am speaking not for anyone nor everyone. I will be speaking for myself. The truths that I will put down here will be, first and foremost, my truth.

And on this space, I can finally introduce myself simply: I am Malou. Glad to meet you.