I have been living a life short of a fairy tale until that fateful day last year. A job, a wonderful husband, a delightful daughter, a big house complete with a garden, a whole room dedicated just for my clothes and shoes....I was a princess!! The only thing missing was a dog and we could have posed for the cover of Good Housekeeping.
The lone factor that casted a shadow on this, otherwise, idyllic picture was that I didn't feel like I was in a fairy tale. I was more feeling like the frog than the princess. Friends wanted to trade lives with me while I wanted to trade with theirs.
To have everything but to feel like you have nothing is a dreadful state. I was awashed with feelings of guilt for being ungracious of all the blessings I have, but at the same time, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was looking for something. And there is nothing worse than looking for something without an inkling of what it is you're actually looking for. To demand answers but not have the questions. I was, so to speak, utterly, inexplicably, absolutely lost.
Only after a certain period of reflection did I realize that it was my own spirit shouting release. It was crying out to me from the depths of my being. For my spirit was empty. My soul was parched dry. I was looking for meaning. For purpose. Something bigger than the mundane life that I was living. I was not just lost. I was gone.
Being reborn to a purposeful life sounded grand. It sounded noble. But there was a catch. The problem with rebirth is that you have to die first. And the bigger problem is that you don't really die. Just figuratively.
Let me explain. Awakening comes with a price - pain. And I'm not talking about the "ouch-i-scratched-my-knee" kind of pain. I'm talking BIG pain. HUGE. It brings about feelings of desolation, desperation, solitude, hurt, anger, fear, doubt and all other things coming from the same family. That when you finally stand face to face with it, you beg God to give you a merciful death. You really, literally, want to die.
But you don't.
This is because your Higher Self is relentless in its pursuit. It forces you to stand up, take stock and assume. It commands you not to buckle down. And in a world of paradox, the only way you can do that is by going through the pain.
Pain is not just a given in the road to awakening. It is a necessity. Only by accepting this pain and embracing it, can we forge on and emerge in triumph.
We see the chronicles of humanity replete with this image. Various bible stories, legends and lores contain this rite of passage. God had to flood the Earth in order for new life to bloom. The Indian prince, Siddartha Gautama, had to turn his back on his life of utter perfection in order to attain spiritual enlightenment and become the Buddha. It is also everywhere around us in nature. A caterpillar has to spin itself into a cocoon, surrounding itself in darkness, before metamorphosing into an exquisite butterfly.
As excruciating as it is, embracing the pain is our only vehicle to go into the light. So rather than closing our fists and resisting, let us open our hearts and welcome. For in that solitary moment of darkness and hollow emptiness, your awakening begins.
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Thank you Malou for my night's literary and philosophical fulfillment. In the way my musical penchant to listen to Tschaicovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 every now and then to be stirred-up, my philosophical sweet tooth is filled-up by your newly-opened blog thoughts. So much mundane appearances and stereotypical thinking masks the greatness in each of us.
ReplyDeleteMy curiosity with which you described as pain sparks my curiosity more than ever. For if we created our own joys, we must have been the ones who created our pains. Is there any one we can attribute our pains? Surely since time immemorial, of history books written by the winners, the losers of wars have been the ones written to blame. For if not, the heroes will have blemishes upon their shining armors. That is the train tracks of the many that leads to nowhere.
If we own our pains as equal as our joys, we have must have created them. We may not have the opportunity to correct the cause of the pain because we have not realized them as having detrimental effects in the future. Yet we always have our present moment to stop the cause so the effect will not happen again in the future.
Life I realized is a slate we clean-up and start all-over again. So much powerful is our mind to create mega-structures of magnificent cities and equally destroy our lives with mistakes and pains. It is God who gives us the clean canvass to be creative again to paint a new life, as long as we realize that we do the brush strokes ourselves and nobody else.
thanks for sharing Malou, keep on writing!
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