Dancing With The Shadows

It strikes in an unforeseen fashion. The sadness. The melancholy. The loneliness. It catches you off guard.

I guess this is how babies feel when they learn how to walk. They start out wobbly and then they start to gain their bearings and find their balance. From inching a foot forward, they find out that they can do the mechanics faster. And then they get thoroughly excited that they rush forward and suddenly trip themselves on a dense mass of nothing. They fall and are left with a bewildered look as if to ask “I was doing so well….why am I down again?”

If I look back and see where I had started and see where I am standing now, I can’t help but feel a surge of pride. For me, I have done the impossible. Six months ago, I was just about ready to cave in to the darkness. I was ready to accept that I will forever be roaming aimlessly in a valley never touched by light. But little by little, inch by inch, I crawled forward, lifted myself up to my knees and finally stood on my own two, albeit wobbly feet and dragged myself out of the black hole that enveloped my existence.

Since I started letting go and gave up resisting, I felt my world open up to a myriad of possibilities. I finally feel the Higher Power at work and showering me with grace to hold myself upright amidst all the staggering blows. I finally feel hopeful and optimistic.

But sometimes, the shadows come. A song. An image. A thought. A circumstance. Anything can lead them in.

You get a dream job and there arises melancholy. You fall sick and there appears solitude. You get some really bad news and there surfaces loneliness. They come in because you don’t have somebody to share wonderful news with. There is nobody to bring you tea. There isn’t anybody’s shoulder to put your head onto and comfort you.

Yes, sadness still comes. However, I notice a different kind of sadness descend upon me this time. This sadness is wrapped in a certain kind of calm. It is swathed in a cloak of serenity. And realizing this, I now know how far I have come since I began my journey. I have finally learned how to accept my sadness. I have finally understood how to give up my struggle. I have gained knowledge of how to sit down and just let my emotions go through me without judgment, without fear.

Sitting through my sadness, I am no longer gripped by panic. I am no longer thrown into anguish. I no longer recoil in fear.

Sitting still, I am finally learning to dance with the shadows.

Valentine Musings

One of the many dreaded days that I feared facing has finally gone and went - my first valentine as a single woman in 11 years. I have spent eons of time worrying how I was going to spend this day, how I was going to feel and how I was going to be.

Sitting here, after cupid has left with his bow and arrow with a breathless sigh, I laugh at how much unnecessary time and energy were wasted with thoughts that served for nothing.

You see, I spent one of the best valentines I ever had for a very long time.

Several days ago, my very good friend and fellow divorcée, Veronique (might I just digress and say that I inwardly envy this girl, not only because she’s one of the most beautiful women I know, inside and out, but also because she was blessed of carrying a name that for me, sounds ever so chic…) proposed to spend the day with me and my daughter. I guess she got tired of hearing me whine and lament about my valentine trepidation that she took it upon herself to exorcise me of this one particular evil.

In one minute and a half, she came up with a plan that even my desolate self couldn’t refuse. She said “Here’s what we’ll do: We’ll go to the open market in Divonne (one of the small and quaint villages in nearby France), have lunch, then we’ll go ice skating.” I agreed to it because I thought that it will be fun for my little princess. Little did I know that I, too, was reserved some few surprises.

We met in Divonne amidst the icy cold of winter, walked around, bought some dried fruits and had lunch. Already there, I was startled that I didn’t get a feeling of heaviness seeing couples and their “I heart you” vibe around me. We then went back to Geneva to go ice skating. And this is where this particular valentine turned out to be a revelation.

I’ve never been on an ice skating rink before. I would always be looking from the sidelines envying other people who manage to glide, twirl and jump with such grace that left me awestruck. Much as I wanted to be like them, I was too scared. I was scared of falling, of being laughed at, of hurting myself, of plainly making a fool out of my clumsy self and a whole myriad of other fears of what may befall on me. Plus, I thought that I was way too old to learn it.

I decided to try it today because I wanted to share this moment with my daughter…and Vero told me that she will hold my hand and not let me go. So I donned those skating shoes with trembling fingers and waddled my way to the rink, already foreseeing the numerous falls that I will have.

I only fell twice. But the second one landed me full on my back, with a loud thud and seeing stars. And right there, lying spread eagled on the ground, I learned that:

1. You are never too old to learn to do anything. All it takes is a sprinkle of guts and determination.
2. You will fall. It is inevitable. However, you will also get up. There is no other choice.
3. If getting up by yourself proves to be too hard, help will come. From anybody….even from total strangers.
4. Don’t worry if some people laugh when you fall. The trick is to laugh with them.
5. The fall will not leave your spirit hopeless. Rather, it will encourage it to go on.
6. The farthest you can fall is to the ground. You cannot go lower than that.
7. The ground is nearer than you think.
8. You will hurt for a while, but you will recover. We are gifted with a natural ability to heal.
9. Skating is like learning to walk. You will need to take it slow in the beginning. You will need somebody to hold your hand. Until you hear yourself say “It’s ok. I can do this on my own now.” Then you realize not only you can walk, but you can glide. You can twirl. You can run.
10. Valentine is not only meant for couples in love. It is meant to be shared with people you love - friends, family, even pets.

Six months ago, I thought my life has ended. Today, I learned how to skate. And I say to myself: Life is just beginning.